Drinking leads to Thinking

I was talking with someone today, the casual talk of preferred alcohol and exploits of days past. It seems to be a requisite conversation for any budding friendship and I tend to fall into a particular pattern of stories and preferences I will describe. Both of us having a propensity to have a few glasses there were some decent stories going both ways, however I noticed a pattern in the stories of my partner. There was a recurring theme of acknowledging whether one more drink was appropriate, at which point the story would curve sharply either to the safe and sober(-ish) side or to the fully inebriated and interesting side. The key thing I noticed was the framing of the decision as whether one "should or shouldn't" have one more, whereas I generally frame the question as whether I "feel like unwinding."

It's a subtle distinction and one I didn't really put too much thought into until later in the day, when we spoke again except this time more conspiratorially. This time we were debating the merits of a particular approach to accomplishing the task. This time, however, we were both using the same language of "should or shouldn't." My opinion was generally that we shouldn't, it would make the wrong sort of waves, may lead to angry conversations pointed at me, and could end up being a waste of time. My partner shared a different take. We should do this because it's an interesting approach.

It's such a subtle distinction, the framing of questions. "How do you pronounce the capital of Kentucky? Lou-ee-ville or Lou-iss-ville?" To approach the question simply is to accept the premises on which is is based, which in my example is simple to address. However when they are questions you ask yourself, it takes a disciplined mind to identify and challenge the false premises of your own thinking. So, when I reexamine the question of "Should I or shouldn't I take on this more socially risky approach to accomplish the given task?" I find myself asking a more interesting question "Here is a tough problem. Do I feel like unwinding on it?"

The beautiful thing about this interpretation is that it neatly packages the need to inspect the conditions precedent to a decision with a much healthier sense of self agency. To ask oneself the question of "should vs shouldn't" implies these things about the agency of the asker:

• There exists a set of rules outside the control of the asker which must be abided by
• These rules are uncertain or unclear in this situation
• There is no easy access to additional clarity around the rules
• The asker is not endowed with the right of resolving this uncertainty as she sees fit

So, I will say thank you kind sir. Thank you for the inspiration to reframe and get myself out from under those subconscious barriers. With that, I have one last word: the capital of Kentucky is pronounced "Frankfort".

Production and Introspection

I find myself alone for the next few weeks, alone in a sparsely populated home on a laptop freshly minted in March of 2009. Added to the recipe is a somewhat declining workload, as I am starting new work in mid May and now spend more of my time insuring that I am not the sole possessor of The Secret Knowledge that keeps the business running (spoiler alert: I am not). This has afforded me time to dedicate myself to a combination of old hobbies of mine that has too long been sitting on a dusty shelf in the attic of my life... introspection, miscellaneous reading, and light writing.

The past three years have been a great part of my life. In early 2010 I joined a fledgling "intra-preneurial"  effort and saw it really take flight; literally even when it involved my relocating a few states away. The trade-offs were significant: dedicate as much time and energy (physical, emotional, and mental) as you possibly can and if it works out then Awesome. I have probably never done so much work at such a break-neck pace before in my life and in the beginning that was invigorating. Every single thing I could fix was value added that I could see and be glad for. Every cantankerous problem I whiteboarded into submission improved our bottom line. Somewhere along the line though, things got fuzzy. I could pour hours of blood, sweat, and tears into solutions, but the impact had diminished. Even if the solution was taken up, it became a madcap game of Telephone. And as it passed from one hand to the next through the bureaucracy en route to implementation, the solution grew increasingly disfigured until when returned for rubber-stamp approval it resembled the original request in name only. Then is when it hits you, an overwhelming exhaustion comprised of a few years of lost sleep and long hours.

As I said, the entire experience has been incredible for me. The thing I wish to say here is not some silly plea of "Listen to me! I am important!" or even the (it seems) worldwide refrain of "My boss is a jerk!" No, I only want to lament the lack of introspection, miscellaneous reading, and light writing I have been able to engage in. I can't say I would choose differently given the opportunity to advise another, especially as a long time believer in the importance of experiencing the full range of emotion. No, I only seek to briefly lament... and use that lamentation as an opportunity to engage and share.

In the past three years, I have been directly involved in several hundred million dollars of revenue. I have helped design and build systems to support the sales team. I have lead teams of people, trained them, erected policy, torn down false assumptions, measured productivity, and earned trust. By any capitalist measure of productivity, I've done a fine job. Here is a secret, though: in the quiet of the dark, just before sleep, when I am alone with my demons, I find I am less a capitalist and more a philosopher. A philosopher who secretly wishes he were a poet and perhaps a mystic, to be precise. Therefore when I measure my productivity (capitalist's term) or my sense of worth (philosopher's term), I do it on the sense of synchronicity I experience and the quality of my recent alchemy. Both of which have long been in a season of drought.

A return to alchemical thinking is not an easy process. Right now it feels like my brain is rusted in some places while I stand wondering whether that part needs oil or a swift kick to get it working again. Many of my old sources of Interesting Thoughts are not around or have much reduced frequency or quality of work. So it is with an uncertain hand I attempt to rebuild a mind that thinks the way I'd like it to. Reengaging with synchronicity is no simple task either. By definition it is a subtle thing, seen only in coincidences and chance encounters, and so to start looking is to immediately ignore signs that are the echo of actions from before you  began your search. So it takes time, it takes patience, and it takes a willingness to see the young couple, the old couple, and the painting itself. (Thank you Octavio Ocampo for your wonderful art)

So this is the first step. Perhaps it is not yet a step, but merely the act of rising with intention of walking in the future. Though it is laughably simple and arguably false on its face, I would like to imagine myself, as I have often imagined a movie scene in my mind. A character returns to material he once loved and makes his first attempt in some time. The viewer is shown the uncertainty in his movements and the apparent roughness of his execution. Next is shown the pain, for the character has not forgotten how to judge his material even if his muscles have forgotten how to properly produce it, but somewhere deep in the character's eye there is a glimmer. He has not forgotten everything, above all he has not forgotten why he has returned, and his shaky and broken movements give way to grace and simplicity as he remembers the skills he has lost.